my spillway

Am I okay?

2008-06-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

Lately, I get the feeling that I am the dumbest student in the whole wide world. I feel so stupid. I can't even decide on things on my own. In my current status in college right now, I feel like I don't deserve to be here. I'm having a hard time even in using and understanding everything that we have studied before. It's like every topic being reviewed to us is so familiar yet so foreign to me. It feels like everything that I thought must be thought again just to make sure that I'm still in the right path. I'm so dumb, so stupid, so annoying, so useless.

I have a theory: maybe I'm thinking like this because some experiences lowered down my self-esteem. Lowering down of my self-esteem increases doubts in my strengths and principles in life. This is the problem: when people criticize me and say that everything I'm doing is wrong, I have the tendency to believe them. I don't have the courage to contradict what they're saying because even I have already doubted myself. What will I do? How am I supposed to have a life if I have the tendency to let others criticize me and put me down? How am I supposed to move on from this kind of tiring journey in life?

I feel so down.

I don't know how to start this.

2008-06-04T05:52:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to start this. I have this friend whom I treat as a best friend and I bet she probably does not know that. During school days, we were very close. I never thought that I would have a friend like her who knows when to make me laugh. You see, laughter is the key for us to become closer. There are many times that in our relationship (as close friends), I am the one who starts a misunderstanding between us and eventually this misunderstanding becomes a fight. I am insensitive, that's the problem before. I would often react impulsively without taking into account her feelings, and that makes her more sad and irritated. Once, there was this argument of ours that really made me cry a lot. I decided that I should not go with her anymore because the more I become close to her, the more pain I can cause her because of my unconscious insensitivity towards her feelings and emotions. But eventually, we became close again. I had a trauma because of that argument of ours before. I cannot say no to her anymore everytime she asks a favor to me. I can feel that she became dependent on me, and I cannot blame her because it was me who is always by her side during the times that she needed someone to talk her problems to. This summer, since there are no classes, we had very few meetings. I thought that because of this summer, she became less dependent on me. It's not that I don't want her to become my friend anymore. I just want her to become less dependent on the people around her.

2008-06-04T05:33:00.000-07:00

This blog serves as my outlet for everything that I cannot share to those who know me so I might as well keep my identity as anonymous. You see, there are times that when I show my true feelings to those who know me, things do not always end up with me feeling better. So, in order to get things in order and get my mind out of anxiety and near insanity, I have to express everything that I feel and think through this blog. What I am doing is not pretending. This is my way of releasing my innermost feelings and thoughts to clear up my mind and to think properly on my decisions without hurting others.